21 July 2011

Falied Attempts, 3

Step 1: Decide to go on an adventure.

Step 2: Pick a location. Argentina. Like the sound of the word. Okay. Get your passport. Look at a map. What’s in Argentina? Buenos Aires, ah that’s nice. You could go WWOOFing. Get the WWOOF book. Contact a farm. Decide to go to Peru instead. What’s in Peru? Cuzco, Macchu Picchu. Start saving your money. 4000, 5000. How much is a plane ticket? Quite a lot. Decide to Go to Mexico instead. Hey, I could ride my bike, no big deal. Hell, I could get on my bike this minute and start riding…ok, don’t do that, do some planning.

Budget. 5000. 1000 for tickets, 1000 for gear, 3000 for food/booze/snooze. Buy a bike, panniers, some lights and tools. Hardly anything really, well under 1000. Get tickets for the Clipper to Seattle. You know, it would only cost 200 to bus it to San Francisco. Do that as well. How far is Mexico from San Fran? It’s like… a long way… screw it, I’ll just go to LA. That’s pretty far.

Step 3: Start riding.

Step 4: Next time I’m going to goddam Mexico. That wasn’t even hard.

14 July 2011

Failed Attempts, 2

Step 1: Decide to become a famous drummer.

Step 2: Join the middle school orchestra. Decide to play trumpet. Get talked out of it by your mom, who knows that a deaf kid won’t have much luck with a pitched instrument. Take up drums instead. Half-ass your way through 6 years of boring music and mutual-hate relationships with your teachers, never giving up on music because the only other electives are art or business studies (screw that).

Decide to become a roadie instead. Take someone’s suggestion to volunteer at the local community theatre as a whatever. Become an usher. Receive no training that would be useful to a roadie, but meet someone who introduces you to a drum section leader of the local bagpipe band.

Join the bagpipe band. Learn the marches. Drink much beer. Move to Victoria, and join another band there. Drink still more beer. March around, learn more songs. Never practice enough to get any respect. Take up playing the djembe at open mike and jam nights at local bars. Meet cute guys, date them. Wear headphones everywhere you go, and dance in the street. Still don’t practice effectively.

Step 2 still in progress.

Step 3: ???

Step 4: Profit!

13 July 2011

Failed Attempts, part 1

Step 1:
Decide to become a bicycle mechanic.

Step 2:
Try to fix your own bike. Make a hilarious mess of your gears and brakes. Apply for a job at a local bike shop, with your resume full of things like “good with my hands” and “cash handling experience. Never hear back.

Begin hanging out at the local hippie bike co-op. Patch a lot of inner tubes. Learn to strip wrecked bikes, adjust cranksets, install chainrings, build wheels. Put in a lot of free labor while fending off the advances of various creepy, older men who hang out there also.

Get tired of your job; quit. Plan to ride your bike to Mexico. Chicken out and downgrade your plan to riding from San Francisco to LA; do it; have a blast.

Come back to your same old job, with a newfound confidence, and further determination to become a bike mechanic. Patch more inner tubes.

Step 2 still in progress.

Step 3: ???

Step 4: Profit!