By Erin McLeese
I am your friendly neighbourhood Safeway employee. I have advanced technical certifications in braising meats and vegetables, candy making, party planning, family counselling and MMA Refereeing, as well as financial planning. And I know exactly what you need, when you need it - ask me anything, I have a catalogued index in my mind of the entire store.
Of course I understand you needed that cut of meat three hours ago, and I should have anticipated your needs before you came to the store and asked that the meat cutter make those cuts of meats for you before he left for the day. Would you like me to take your order for him? No I am sorry I cannot cut the meat for you, I am not in the meat cutters union.
Peanut butter is in aisle 16 on the right.
It is completely my fault, I am not in the meat cutters union and therefore cannot cut your meat; would you like to try this cut of meat instead? Or how about a rack of lamb? Your Great Aunt Matilda is allergic? I am sorry to hear that, what about chicken? It BBQ’s well and is a great alternative to beef.
Peanut butter is in aisle 16 on the right, would you like me to show you?
I am your Safeway Customer Service Rep. I am a Person in Charge, a Courtesy clerk, a Deli Clerk, a Cashier, a Seafood Clerk and Grocery Clerk. I am sorry that we are out of coke, we would have made more, but the fizz machine broke and we are wait listed to have it fixed. If I had known on Monday you wanted 25 two litres I would have ordered accordingly.
Yes Ma'am the peanut butter is still in Isle 16, would you like me to show you?
I am sincerely sorry that the Club Soda is on sale 4 for $10 and we did not order enough to ensure you got some. Would you like a rain check?
Sir, you look lost can I help you find something?
The peanut butter is in aisle 16, left hand side, can I show you? I am sure you are capable of counting to 16, I am just… ohhh… Cream of tartar? That would be in aisle 5 with the spices, would you like me to show you? You can find it just fine on your own, okay, when you can't see it let me know, I will help you see it.
Yes our Christmas candy is in the display in the front lobby, you did not see the display? Perhaps I can show you? It is marked by Christmas balloons and bruised and battered poinsettias that toddlers keep pulling on. You see perfectly fine on your own? okay, again let me know if you need me to show you.
Cellophane is in aisle 6, right next to the cooking oil, and peanut butter is in aisle 16 between the jam and the syrups on the right hand side, would you like me to show you? Yes I am sure you can follow directions... Sir, aisle 16 is on your other right.
No Ma’am I don’t really work here, I just wear the uniform and stock shelves when I come into shop, it helps me consider what I REALLY want to make for dinner tonight. Yes, I am being smart, but you have seen me here before and you ask this question every day before asking me where the peanut butter is, and it is STILL in aisle 16
No we do not sell our donuts frozen, Superstore does? Well they are in Langford Sir, would you like directions?
Would you like your groceries in paper or plastic bags? Would you like carry out service? You're right I can see that you are spritly and lively at the tender age of 75, how dare I insult you by following policy and offering you exceptional customer service.
Molasses is in aisle 16 next to the peanut butter, no I am not S**tin' you, it's considered a syrup in Q'bec, and we keep it with the syrups.
Thank-you for your patronage, please come again.