24 December 2008

Suicide Is Painless

I had no idea that the theme song from MASH had a title, nor lyrics, nor that they were so deliciously dark. The music was composed by Johnny Mandel, and the lyrics by Robert Altman.

Suicide is Painless

Through early morning fog I see visions of the things to be
The pains that are withheld for me I realize and I can see . . .
That suicide is painless it brings on many changes
And I can take or leave it if I please.

I try to find a way to make all our little joys relate
Without that ever-present hate but now I know that it’s too late,
and . . .That suicide is painless it brings on many changes
And I can take or leave it if I please.

The game of life is hard to play. I’m gonna lose it anyway.
The losing card I’ll someday lay so this is all I have to say.
That suicide is painless it brings on many changes
And I can take or leave it if I please.

The only way to win is cheat and lay it down before I’m beat,
and to another give my seat for that’s the only painless feat.
That suicide is painless it brings on many changes
And I can take or leave it if I please.

The sword of time will pierce our skins it doesn’t hurt when it begins
But as it works its way on in the pain grows stronger . . . watch it grin, but . . .
That suicide is painless it brings on many changes
And I can take or leave it if I please.

A brave man once requested me to answer questions that are key
'Is it to be or not to be' and I replied 'oh why ask me?'
That suicide is painless it brings on many changes
And I can take or leave it if I please.
And you can do the same thing if you choose.

20 December 2008

Well, fuck

Life sucks, everything sucks, I'm-a go jump out a window now.

Here's Allan Ginsberg, feeling insane:

...I'm with you in Rockland
where you scream in a straightjacket that you're
losing the game of the actual pingpong of the abyss
I'm with you in Rockland
where you bang on the catatonic piano the soul
is innocent and immortal it should never die
ungodly in an armed madhouse
I'm with you in Rockland
where fifty more shocks will never return your
soul to its body again from its pilgrimage to a
cross in the void ...

Hey Allan, I'm with you in Rockland, wherever the hell that is.

13 December 2008

My Awesome Boss

One of our managers got snippy at 3 am and posted this on Facebook; I now reproduce it for your enjoyment.

By Erin McLeese
I am your friendly neighbourhood Safeway employee. I have advanced technical certifications in braising meats and vegetables, candy making, party planning, family counselling and MMA Refereeing, as well as financial planning. And I know exactly what you need, when you need it - ask me anything, I have a catalogued index in my mind of the entire store.

Of course I understand you needed that cut of meat three hours ago, and I should have anticipated your needs before you came to the store and asked that the meat cutter make those cuts of meats for you before he left for the day. Would you like me to take your order for him? No I am sorry I cannot cut the meat for you, I am not in the meat cutters union.

Peanut butter is in aisle 16 on the right.

It is completely my fault, I am not in the meat cutters union and therefore cannot cut your meat; would you like to try this cut of meat instead? Or how about a rack of lamb? Your Great Aunt Matilda is allergic? I am sorry to hear that, what about chicken? It BBQ’s well and is a great alternative to beef.

Peanut butter is in aisle 16 on the right, would you like me to show you?

I am your Safeway Customer Service Rep. I am a Person in Charge, a Courtesy clerk, a Deli Clerk, a Cashier, a Seafood Clerk and Grocery Clerk. I am sorry that we are out of coke, we would have made more, but the fizz machine broke and we are wait listed to have it fixed. If I had known on Monday you wanted 25 two litres I would have ordered accordingly.

Yes Ma'am the peanut butter is still in Isle 16, would you like me to show you?

I am sincerely sorry that the Club Soda is on sale 4 for $10 and we did not order enough to ensure you got some. Would you like a rain check?

Sir, you look lost can I help you find something?

The peanut butter is in aisle 16, left hand side, can I show you? I am sure you are capable of counting to 16, I am just… ohhh… Cream of tartar? That would be in aisle 5 with the spices, would you like me to show you? You can find it just fine on your own, okay, when you can't see it let me know, I will help you see it.

Yes our Christmas candy is in the display in the front lobby, you did not see the display? Perhaps I can show you? It is marked by Christmas balloons and bruised and battered poinsettias that toddlers keep pulling on. You see perfectly fine on your own? okay, again let me know if you need me to show you.

Cellophane is in aisle 6, right next to the cooking oil, and peanut butter is in aisle 16 between the jam and the syrups on the right hand side, would you like me to show you? Yes I am sure you can follow directions... Sir, aisle 16 is on your other right.

No Ma’am I don’t really work here, I just wear the uniform and stock shelves when I come into shop, it helps me consider what I REALLY want to make for dinner tonight. Yes, I am being smart, but you have seen me here before and you ask this question every day before asking me where the peanut butter is, and it is STILL in aisle 16

No we do not sell our donuts frozen, Superstore does? Well they are in Langford Sir, would you like directions?

Would you like your groceries in paper or plastic bags? Would you like carry out service? You're right I can see that you are spritly and lively at the tender age of 75, how dare I insult you by following policy and offering you exceptional customer service.

Molasses is in aisle 16 next to the peanut butter, no I am not S**tin' you, it's considered a syrup in Q'bec, and we keep it with the syrups.

Thank-you for your patronage, please come again.

07 December 2008


A kind of summing up, if you will. Since it's December, right. Cliche, but now's as good a time as any, and 2008 has been interesting.

2008 was:

Screwdrivers with Kim
Movies in the park
Philosophy with Tom at 2 am
Waking up in odd places and making my way home in the wee hours
3 or 4 different jobs
About 9 school credits
Playing drums in the band
Many, many new friends.

It was pretty good, for the most part. There were tense parts, but I think I've developed a new Zen approach, which is very healthy on the whole. It's been good.

Next year promises to be even more interesting. Possibly it is a good idea to take note of the old Chinese curse: "May you live in interesting times." Now, for instance, life seems pretty excellent. I've done well in school and I've got a new, much cheaper place to live next year. I've got more friends now than at any other point in my life, and I've got plenty of money to spoil some loved ones at Christmas...
Yet...I've been snapping lately. This thing is called Shit Job Tales for a reason. And the job seems to be getting shittier. I've lost my temper with people who may or may not have deserved it several times in the last couple weeks...there's always a good reason to lose one's temper, but I never have before, so why now? I may have to quit before they actually fire me. Life goes...

01 December 2008

Aaaaand we're back

Rough times over here. On the playslist:

Parents just don't understand (self explanatory)
Train in Vain (I got a job, but it don't pay)
Oops, I did it again (and again, and again)
My stupid mouth (I'm never speaking up again)
I Will Survive (though I might wish I hadn't)

Stressful times, but at least life is interesting.

Sometime in the near future, I need to essay my thoughts on faith and religion and god, and all that good stuff. I don't really feel up to it right now though...is going to be Srs Bzness, and requires a bit of run up. Ta.